Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
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A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words