You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
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[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
“OMGJK” -atheists
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.