Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
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“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
WHY?!
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.