How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
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True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Husband of the year 😂
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁