The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
You Might Also Like
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
North and South
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”