I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.