$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds