Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
me after drinking all the wine:
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-