Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
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The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU