Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
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My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it