I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
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My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Facebook memories be like
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
The internet is full of many things
Generation gap…
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.