Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
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[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
me
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Meeeee too!