Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
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*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.