Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
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The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
absolutely not
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles