eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
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“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
What personal space?
My dog
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…