“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?