I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
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Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.