If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
lost dog
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane