When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
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*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“You drive, I’m tired.”
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.