Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
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Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary