“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.