Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
You Might Also Like
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old