Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely