Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.