“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
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“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Goodnight 🐶
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner