every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
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Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
this has done me in for some reason
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*