if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
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Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?