Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
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I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
so i’m at the stock market right
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.