‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
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Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.