The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
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saw this in a dream
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Any refunds available?…
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.