Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
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I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.