My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
handsome & gretel
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I created you as mosquito food.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Natural selection at its finest
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE