“Oh hi, you’re home early”
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If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
The best plant holders?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.