[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
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Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Beauty and the Beast
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door