I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
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My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?