Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
<- sleeps well with others
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
my proudest tweet
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”