I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
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Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Sharon, call the vet
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.