Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
You Might Also Like
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.