me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
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I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
🙂🙃🥹
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.