“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
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If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Happy Taco Tuesday
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Goat cheese is for herders.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.