I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
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ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
*bites zombie*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I love you to the refrigerator and back
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring