I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache