[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
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I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.