Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate