*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
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A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991