“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
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My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.