Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
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I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
X-tra spooky blend
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
This is not me but this is me