Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
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I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.