“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
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How dude HOW?!
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
One venti cheeseburger please.