[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
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When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”